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#10: A Vacuum Cleaner
“Merry Christmas Honey! Oh, you got some pieces of wrapping paper on the floor. You might want to vacuum that up.” I honestly can’t think of a meaner gift to get someone for Christmas, and it’s certainly the most evil that appears on this list. Let’s be honest. If anybody is getting a vacuum cleaner this year, it’s going to be from a husband who hasn’t quite thought it through to his disapproving wife. The only possible way to make this a cool gift would be to give the hands-down coolest vacuum cleaner of all time… which I’m afraid hasn’t been invented yet – and probably never will be considering that there is pretty much only one thing to do with a vacuum… which is vacuuming.
#9: Socks
For some reason, a lot of people I’ve talked to about Christmas Gifts have an inside joke in their families that involve buying people socks. Admittedly, most people wear socks. They provide a much needed buffer between shoes and feet. Without socks, the world would smell a lot more like feet (or an Asian grocery store) than it does today. But buying somebody socks, no matter how hilarious you think it is, is pretty much like buying somebody a dental examination or contact lens solution. Yeah, we need that stuff, but it’s just not what gifts are made of.
#8: Sweatpants
“Merry Christmas, Fatso!” Shockingly, I’ve seen a LOT of people get sweatpants for Christmas. I know, I know. The name of the college you attended is printed down the leg. But I think giving somebody sweatpants is about a mean as buying a co-worker a bottle of mouthwash.
#7: Gag Gifts
Gag gifts aren’t funny. To anyone. They come in two varieties. The first is the product that was manufactured with the specific intent of being a gag and/or practical joke. We’re talking bug-in-an-ice-cube, black soap, and whoopie cushions (OK, whoopie cushions are pretty funny). The other variety is the gift that is so dumb, it’s supposed to be funny. One year, a friend wrapped up a pair of my old tennis shoes that I had left at his house and gave them to me as a gift. Now that I have written that out, I realize that was pretty funny after all. Maybe there is something to this gag gift thing…
#6: Nuts
We always had nuts at my house around Christmastime when I was a kid, and I always thought they tasted like dirt. The problem with nuts is that they are fatty, which means that they spoil quickly and they also pick up the odors of pretty much everything around them. So unless you are absolutely certain that the nuts are fresh (and you simply can’t do that if they have been given to you as a gift), there’s a pretty good chance they’re going to taste terrible. Add to that the fact that any mixed nut assortment is going to be 97% peanuts anyway, nuts are a pretty thoughtless gift. I have a personal rule that I won’t gift anything that I can walk outside and pick.
#5: Pets, But Especially a “Grow A Frog” Kit
This one wins the award for “Most Depressing.” Every year, there is a pet trend. When the Harry Potter movies came out, everybody was trying to get their hands on owls. In the 90s, with the release of 101 Dalmatians, thousands of kids got Dalmatians on Christmas morning. Of course, thousands of Dalmatians were subsequently abandoned. Aside from just being sad, pets as gifts are the ultimate White Elephants, especially if you buy someone an albino elephant. “Thanks for the awesome tie, Alice. What did I get you? Well, how does years of expense, sacrifice, and unsolicited responsibility sound?” So what’s the worst possible pet? Probably the “Grow a Frog” kit. At least with a puppy you get a loyal thing that you can hug. To add insult to the injury of having to care for a frog, the breed included with most of the “Grow a Frog” kits has a life expectancy of about 30 years.
#4: Donations to Charity
Donating to charity is a very personal decision. Maybe you need a big tax break, or maybe you just REALLY like Sally Struthers. But it’s something that you do for yourself, not something that you do on a friend’s behalf. The better idea would be to give a card with cash inside and let them decide if they want to spend it on Charity (I’m talking, of course, about your friend’s favorite exotic dancer).
#3: Coca-Cola Branded Presents
I applaud Coca-Cola for successfully turning Christmas into a billboard. But in my house, Coke’s only home is my fridge. Right after the “MMMmmmm…” Polar Bear commercials came out, I started seeing more Coke bric-a-brac than ever. Unless it’s a genuine Coca-cola wall clock from the 30s that I can sell on eBay and then donate the money to Charity, I’m not really interested.
#2: Christmas Decorations
What seems like a nice gesture on the surface is simply a delayed “do not open until…” gift . You can’t use it until next year, so it’s going to sit in a closet or drawer, forgotten for at least 364 days and possibly forever.
#1: Classic Literature Given to Children
Unquestionably the #1 spot on this list must go to classic novels that have been purchased for children. Look, I was a bookworm when I was a kid, so I’m not anti-book in any way. Nor am I anti-classic literature. In fact, those great books that I received as a kid have a prominent home in my adult library. But this is even worse than Christmas decorations. This gift won’t be appreciated for years – possibly even decades. Kids don’t want a leather-bound collection of Edgar Allan Poe. They want Guitar Hero World Tour.
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